Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
