it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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