I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize