i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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