i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
