I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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