I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
