best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
