I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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