the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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