I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
