I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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