are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
