I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
