Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
