Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
