What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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