took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm too high and old for this...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
