There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Of course I have a pirate flag
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
