She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
