Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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