I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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