I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
