So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
