The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
