I met the friendliest cop last night
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
