we're chasing vodka with high fives
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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