Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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