My Higher Power is John Stamos
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
