life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She's JV to your varsity
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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