someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
