Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
