We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
