The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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