jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
