the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
