the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
