Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
you made out with another girl for some wings
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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