just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My legs feel like baby dolphins
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