I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize