I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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