Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
