I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
