Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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