If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
