We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
