i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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