I must be too annoying 4 u.
Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
