i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
