You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
