I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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