Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Pants are for mortals
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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