I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
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