ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
