I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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