I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
