Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We named our party play list daddy issues
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
