I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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